Safe Space

I write this as I’m sitting in the kitchen, watching my boyfriend cook us dinner that I mentioned I wanted earlier today. Music is blaring, candles are lit, and he’s got a glass of wine in my hand. An hour ago, I almost had a bit of a breakdown. I hate my job and I hate what I’ve put 5 years of my life in to trying to create a career. I got an email that just sent me over the edge, and I closed my eyes.. tears started rolling down my cheek. Before I could even open my eyes, I felt a hand on my leg and him sitting close. He pulled me in and didn’t have to say much, just gave me a space to be upset. It didn’t change the words I had just read, but it took a weight off of me.

For most of my life, especially in my relationships, this isn’t typically what it looked like most evenings.. or for breakdowns. I’ve done therapy, I’ve done the venting to friends, and I’ve written everything in my messed up head down on paper… but nothing compares to this safe space I’ve finally been able to call mine. I have no idea if this is something everyone finally experiences, although I really hope they do.

Growing up with a strong work ethic, big expectations, and some tough love here and there will thicken your skin to say the least. I’m thankful for it. It’s made me who I am. I’ve got some naturally soft places in my heart that battle a lot with that type of raising too. I think at the end of the day, I’m confused on what I deserve. I can say out loud that I deserve the best, I deserve the kindest love, I deserve the job I’m passionate about, and so on. It’s hard when you don’t have a clue what that looks like. None of it. You’ve got an idea, but you haven’t seen it. Everyone around you seems to be getting their heart broken, disrespected, and unhappy with what they’re doing. So much so that you start to accept that that’s just life. So much so that it’s hard to accept when the good stuff is right in front of you.

The saying that you can’t love someone else until you love yourself is almost entirely true. I think the only part I disagree with is that, you just need to respect yourself. You need to respect and understand the things that make you, you. You need to learn your faults and your uglies. The things that might not necessarily be right, but still you. I see myself, I painfully see everything about myself. I don’t love it all yet, but I’m trying to. I met someone that is doing the same stuff. He loves me too, and he sees it all too. Neither of us do everything right, we don’t say everything just right, we annoy each other, and we sometimes can’t even find the right thing to say at all. However, at the end of the day.. we see through the bad days.

It was hard to imagine myself with someone so calm and understanding for a long time. For a while, the beginning of our relationship was sometimes even frustrating because of that. It sounds crazy, but my “norm” was just being angry at each other and never really finding a solution. It felt hard to look at someone who just wanted to level with me and understand how I was feeling. It felt impossible. I now truly find so much comfort in that. I feel like no matter the day, no matter the obstacle, no matter the extremity, I can come home and find reason in my partner. He sees when I need a solution rather than comfort, or the other way around too. I don’t always come home happy or 100%, but I can count on my constant.

I look at him some days and feel like falling to my knees and thanking him. I look at him and see the nights I spent alone or feeling alone even when someone was right beside me. I imagine the tears I’ve cried that never got to see a warm hold or a promise it will be okay. I see a me that lays in her bed staring at the ceiling wondering if I’m the only one in the world that’s feeling what I’m feeling. I remember a mirror that saw every ugly day and night. I don’t miss it. I’m not saying my hard days went away, but my space grew safer. Shame doesn’t exist when your story is told in a safe place. I am creating a life where I can grow and become the best and brightest version of myself. I’m so proud of that.

I want to add, just because I need to say it.. I was taught to be independent, strong, confident, etc… I am still all of those things.

Xoxo Ans