Greener Grass

Since my birthday, I have been in a pretty deep depression hole. I’ve been so ashamed for it. I have a great boyfriend, family, and friends. I have a job that pays for the things I like and want. I work from home and have complete flexibility in my schedule. Why am I in a paralyzed mental state? I want this, I want that. Is it social media? Is it my job? Is it where I live? Is it just “that time of year”? Is it just straight up me? Am I the problem? I am so guilty. I make everything about myself. I should be happy. I have everything another person would want. It could be worse. I’m so lucky..

Why isn’t it that easy?

Insecurities and comparisons have uprooted my life. I’m embarrassed to say that I want that influencer’s life I scrolled past because it made me actually annoyed to see. Am I that ungrateful of what I have?

Life would be so much easier if I could make a video and have my wants and needs paid for for the month. Life would be so much easier if I could take “content” of an island I dream about while sitting at my desk. Is that life what it seems? They’re not always happy, either. I guess everyone has their “moments”.

Where is the greener grass?

It seems that I am rarely satisfied. I’m 25. I didn’t finish college because it felt pointless to me at the time. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I figured I would rather work, so I did. I love being busy and being a good employee. I have ALWAYS been thrown in to a job that I felt like I “faked it till I made it” to. Once I was there, I would have to put my head down and learn everything. I’m at the point now where I have had about 3 different jobs, 2 sales and 1 office job for a real estate firm. 2 of those sales jobs have been remote… so much freedom, right? Physically, yes. Mentally, unlimited hours to think and find something you’re not happy with. Which is apparently something I specialize in. Am I bored? Am I mentally ill? Why can’t I be like everyone else and just work, eat, sleep, repeat? Nothing ever seems to keep me happy.

I’m not passionate about what I do. I do it because it was the clearest path straight out of my dropout era. I was recently told that trying to find a job you’re passionate about is a scam. Doing a job every day is hard, whether you love it or not. I’m constantly trying to decide if what I do is worth it. I lose motivation for weeks at a time and feel guilty for not doing my job. I miss my feminine energy. I’m masked day in and out in a very masculine facade trying to prove that I know what I’m talking about to a guy that could care less if I’m in front of him or not. (He would prefer I wasn’t there at all and it is very clear). I typically get squirmy in any job after about a year. So is it a me problem? Is there a job out there that would keep me happy? Or could I just be thinking of the next video to post and find a way to be depressed? Probably. Idk.

Social media feels like hypnosis to me these days. I doom scroll and I can feel myself giving in to sitting for hours. I had a 90 minute therapy session the other day and talked about everything. My therapist literally used the word “crisis”… because I was in one. I was battling myself over my job, my relationship, my family, and also just me. Over the past month, I could feel my world caving in. I have done so much work to be happy and content. Why is everything crumbling? Why do I feel like I did 2 years ago? It’s scary and it’s triggering. ESPECIALLY when you put in work for yourself. I’m tired of comparing myself to what I see everyday for 15 seconds 1000 times. I’m tired of seeing the world crumble everyday for 15 seconds 1000 times. I’m on a rollercoaster… and I’m driving? I want to stop scrolling, but don’t. It’s easy. My brains off. 4 hours of screen time later and now I’m guilty. I’m lazy. My life isn’t as good as my favorite influencer’s.

I have SO many thoughts in my head. Some days I can’t even get a sentence out. After sitting with my therapist, we came up with a scale. 1-10. 1.. I stop doing things for myself. 2/3.. I get stuck and I lose my voice.. I don’t communicate that I’m not doing well. 4/5/6/7.. I start dissociating and I lose my grasp of reality. I experience derealization and feel very out of body. I feel like I’m behind a wall, watching myself exist. It’s hard for me to connect with anyone, including myself. Words don’t make sense and I feel like I can’t figure out the English language. Weird stuff. 8/9… I get super tense with an increase in my heart rate and the realization that I’m on the downfall sets in. 10.. panic attack! After I have that release, I typically resort back to that dissociative state. Anyways, I’m getting better at catching it and when I have a glimmer of energy.. I try and complete a task or move my body.

Currently, I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.. but my body and mind are tired. I don’t want to live in my head anymore.

I get bummed, thinking I would be fine if my life was “better” or “easier”. If I had that one more thing, I’d be good. I don’t think that’s true. I’ll always find something I can’t have, because the grass must be greener.. right?